


NO!

by Venstar



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Christmas, Other, Secret Santa Exchange, surprise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 04:37:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13092546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Venstar/pseuds/Venstar
Summary: Beleaguered Bill Tanner has been forced to choose a gift for his Secret Santa Recipient...Mallory!  WHAT DO YOU GET A MAN LIKE THAT????





	NO!

“Ah, fuck!” Tanner mumbled to himself. “Fuck.” He stared at the email that had been sent to him, randomly matching him up with his secret santa recipient. “Fuck.” He narrowed his eyes at his monitor. Somehow, just somehow, he knew it wasn’t a random algorithm that had picked his recipient. It was Q himself. Elected by his loyal minions to the high unholy title of the Grand High Poohbah Overlord of Q-branch, to cause mayhem and destruction within the ranks of the technologically insane, second only to certain agents of mayhem and destruction. “What have I ever done to deserve this? Didn’t I help during that SPECTRE fiasco? Didn’t I allow Q to adopt Blofeld’s cat. Didn’t I help Bond by setting up Madeline’s return trip to her psychoanalytic ice castle? And he rewards me by this? This!” Tanner threw his hands up in the air.

“So, Bill…,” Moneypenny asked as she slid into his office on sharp navy blue stilettos. “Get your Secret Santa recipient yet?”

Tanner rubbed his face with both hands. “Yes, I did.”

“Who’s the lucky duck this year?” Moneypenny asked, her eyes twinkling at him. “Go on, tell me, I won’t tell a soul.”

Tanner glared at Moneypenny. “You.”

“Liar.” Moneypenny smiled.

Tanner smiled and leaned back. “Oh, I don’t know. I could be telling you the truth, but you’d never know, would you?” Tanner looked Moneypenny up and down. “You look to be a size small, right?”

Moneypenny tsked at him. “Spoilsport. I’ll tell you mine, if you’ll tell me yours!” Her eyebrows almost wiggled off her head.

“No, I shan’t. Something should remain a mystery. However, if I was searching for a gift for a…,” Tanner glanced back at his monitor, “a Miss Abigail from accounting, would you recommend a gift basket of teas or stationary?”

“You, Bill Tanner, are a crap liar.”

“Flatterer. No Miss Moneypenny, I shall not tell you who I have, just as you will not tell me who you have. Please oh please let it be Jenkins from the garage, I had him last year and it was frightfully hard to find something for him.”

Moneypenny smirked at Tanner. “We’ll see.”

Moneypenny left Tanner’s office and he waited with some dignity for her to leave, before he plonked his nearly balding head on his desk and then gave it a few more thumps for good measure.

“Ah, Tanner. Everything alright?” Mallory’s voice came floating from the entrance to his office.

Tanner jerked upright. “Yes, absolutely, everything’s fine. Just, budgetary paperwork came in.”

“That bad huh? Q asking for another few million pounds so that the 00’s can run through it in five minutes?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

“Well, double check it and I’ll see what I can do.”

“Got it, thanks boss.” Tanner groaned internally as Mallory left his office. “Bugger.” Tanner glared at his monitor again. “Q, you sneaky little shite.”

“Tanner?”

Oh God what now, what had he done to deserve the delightful presence of 007 and by delightful he meant dangerous and snoopy.

“No, absolutely not can Moneypenny get you to do her dirty work.” Tanner said, he pushed his face into his hands and wished for hair he could pull out. “Get out, Bond.”

“But..”

“That’s an order 007 or I will shoot you.”

Bond laughed softly at Tanners words, but he left, nonetheless. Tanner could hear his low tones intermixed with Moneypenny’s tinkling laughter. That dangerous duo.

Tanners commute home was filled with jumbled thoughts over what to get Mallory, his secret santa recipient for a present. Mallory wasn’t some cheesy bloke from accounting or a crazy minion from Q branch. This was M and Mallory at the same time. Surely, something dignified, like a bottle of Talisker or a personalized fountain pen, a gift of pocket squares...no...Mallory would surely have those items. What to get him that maybe he didn’t have yet and could have a bit of fun with. Tanner continued to ponder, desperately ponder.

Tanner took the glass of wine his wife poured him after dinner and disappeared into the dark world of the internet. It was time to google. He typed...best gag gifts for the office into the search bar and waited for the results. He browsed through the items.

“Man buns? No. Bog rolls with stupid sayings...no. Bacon band-aids? No. Coffee mugs? No. Asshole repellent...maybe, I’ll bookmark it. Spanking sticks...the 00’s would like that. No. Spy sunglasses?” Bill snorted and some of his wine dribbled out. “Q would have my hide, no thank you. Chill pills? We all need those. What’s this do?” Bill selected an item on Amazon and clicked through the information and product video. “Oh. OH YES!” Tanner’s fingers flew across his keyboard as he entered in his credit card information and shipping address. He sat back with his glass of wine and chortled to himself.

“Something funny, honey?” His wife asked from the doorway.

“Oh yes, and I can’t wait to see it in action.”

“Such a cryptic answer.” His wife smiled at walked in. “Such a super spy!”

Tanner laughed and hooked an arm around his wife. “Not really, it’s just a gift for my Secret Santa recipient.” He smiled as his wife shook with more laughter in his arms.

“Well then, I can’t wait to hear about the reveal if it’s that good.”

Thankfully, Tanner only had to wait a few weeks before the Secret Santa reveal and he chortled at the look of confusion on Mallory’s face, as he unwrapped his gift and then the slow dawning of comprehension as he turned the red button over, until his face was lit up with an evil sort of mirth.

“Thank you Bill, I feel like I will definitely get some use out of this gift.” Mallory waved the red button in the air and pressed the white lettering on top.

A firm and slightly panicked robotic voice came out of the apparatus. “[NO! NO! NO NO NO NO NO! N. O](https://youtu.be/4gQosYb3m9U)!”

Moneypenny came around to lean into Tanner from behind.

“I can’t wait to see 007’s face when M tells him no the next time. Or when Q asks him about increasing his budget. Oh look, he’s putting it to use now.”

Tanner glanced over and sure enough, Mallory was chasing Bond around with his little red button.

“NO! NO! NO! NO!”


End file.
